Witless Protection/Transcript
(cuts to Rudy & Jerry) Rudy: The babysitter..thought she was safe..but what she didn't know was- Jerry: Was what? Rudy: The clown. With the chainsaw..was watching her from- Jerry: From where?! (Kim shows of not liking the story, then back to Rudy, who is grabbing an object then leaning back up with a clown nose on) Rudy: From inside the..house! (Jerry screams and pushes Rudy off the log) Kim: Okay, that's it, I'm putting an end to this fake camp-out. (Gets up and turns the lights back on) Rudy: Aw. Hey! There is nothing fake about our camp-out. Now turn the fire back on. Jack: Rudy, if you apologized to the park ranger, maybe he'll let us back into the Seaford Campground! Rudy: I am not apologizing to anybody. Kim: Rudy, you hit him repeatedly with your canoe paddle. Rudy: I thought a bear was attacking my boat! If you're that hairy you should not be swimming in public! Milton: Why don't I get everyone in the mood with some good old fashioned campfire songs? Kim: Please don't. Milton: (grabs his guitar) ♫ Oh...(plays off key) ''she'll be coming around the mountain when she- ''(Kim grabs the guitar and throws it behind her) Jack: Well you got farther into the song than last year. Jerry: That's very true. Kim: I'm outta here. (gets up and goes to the door, everyone else except Rudy follows her) Rudy: No! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! (gets up) ''See, you know, I knew you city slickers wouldn't last out here in the wild. So I did what any responsible camp counselor would do. Padlocked the door and swallowed the key. All: What?! Rudy: ''(laughs) ''Settle in, campers! It's gonna be 3 days before we see that key again! (''They turn and look at Rudy) Rudy: 2 if I eat a fiber bar. (mall security alarm rings) Jack: Hey, hey, check it out, those guys are coming out of the Athletic Authority. Jerry: Sweet! Must be their annual ski mask sale. Jack: Jerry, those are robbers! (The last robber outside looks at them) Jack: Hurry up! Open the door, we gotta stop 'em! Rudy: I'll get the key! (gags) (metal clatters) Rudy: (going through the metal) ''Car key, key to the riding mower, oh, anybody want a jelly bean? ''(They glare at him) Rudy: No? Okay. (eats the jelly bean) (music starts and fades to the theme song) ♫Don't (don't) you (you) get all tough with me♫ ♫I'm sayin', won't (won't) you (you) come kick it with me♫ ♫And we could have a ball, run up the wall, that's just how we do♫ ♫And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you!♫ ♫Here we go, let's start the party, chop it up like it's karate!♫ ♫Everybody, don't (don't) you (you) get all tough with me♫ ♫I'm sayin' won't (won't) you (you) come kick it with me♫ ♫And we could have a ball, run up the wall, that's just how we do♫ ♫And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you!♫ (cuts to the dojo) Detective Bronson: Any details about the way he looked will help our sketch artist. Jerry: Oh, there was something. Yeah, in the middle of his face he had this mound of flesh that had two holes in it. Detective Bronson: You mean a nose? Jerry: You are good. Jack: Guys, we told the sketch artist what he looked like and he drew a really good likeness of him. Rudy: Don't need it. I drew it myself. (gets up) ''Detective, this is your man. ''(holds up his drawing) (Kim shows she disagrees with Rudy's sketch) Kim: Or you could look for this guy. (shows the sketch artist's sketch) Rudy: (scoffs) ''Yeah, good luck fishing in the dark with that mess. ''(Kim rolls her eyes and gives the drawing to Detective Bronson) Detective Bronson: That's Benny the Blade. We've been trying to put him away for years. But no one's been brave enough to point the finger at him. Rudy: Not until Rudy Gillespie came along. You see this finger? It was born to do two things, and one of them is point at bad guys. Milton: What's the other thing? Rudy: I don't feel comfortable saying it in front of the cop. (cuts to the police station) Detective Bronson: We arrested the suspect, now we just need you to identify him. Milton: I know how this works. This is two-way glass. Benny can't see us. Jack: You know, this is kinda exciting. Kim: I know. No one has ever identified this guy because he's so dangerous. Rudy: Not till Rudy J. Gillespie came along. The J stands for "Justice". Jerry: I thought you said it stood for "Jam Master". Kim: "Jujitsu". Jack: "Jaguar". Milton: "Jermaine". Rudy: Alright, it changes with the situation! (Jerry walks over to the wall) Rudy: So, let the record show that, I, Rudy Gillespie, along with my students, identify that man! (notices the glass is down) ''Ahh! Glass is down! Glass is down, people! Hero out! (''motions Kim, Jack, and Milton to leave) ''Go, go, go, go! (''Follows them out) ''Aah! Let me out! Jerry: (throws his shirt over his face, falls over the window, screams, jumps out and follows them out)'' (cutting to Falafel Phil's) ♫''Hey!♫ ♫Come on!♫ ♫Kickin' it with you!♫ ''(They're sitting at a booth, eating, Kim helps herself sit up) Rudy: (comes in, pulls up a chair and sits on it) ''I am feeling pretty great about putting Benny away. Jack: Yeah, you should. You committed a selfless act and helped make Seaford a safer place. Rudy: Oh, that's not why. I'm getting a 5,000 dollar reward. Jack: Hey, we all identified him, so we should all share the reward money. Rudy: What reward money? ''(Jack glares at Rudy) Rudy: Fine. We'll split it five ways. Ooh ooh! Turn on the news. We'll watch Benny get taken into the courthouse for sentencing. (Jerry turns on the TV, all turn to it) Chappy Chapman: This is Chappy Chapman outsite the Seaford Courthouse awaiting the arrival of Benny the Blade. Jerry: I'll say it. Chappy's got the best hair in Seaford. Jack: Seriously, dude? I'm sitting right here. Chappy Chapman: It looks like the van has just arrived and Benny is being taken into the courthouse. There, he'll be arranged and set-oh, no! Oh, this isn't good! He's got like, ninja people! Oh, my--Benny's men have come, and--oh, he's running! This is not good. Now he's coming back. Benny, please. Do not hit me in my perfectly--oh! Jerry: Ooh, right in the hair! Benny: Rudy Gillespie! I'm coming for you, and those kids! (leaves) Rudy: Did you hear that? My name was on TV! I gotta go call my mother! (gets up and leaves) Milton: Did he hear the second part? Kim: Oh, he heard it. Three, two, one. (Rudy yelps from outside, then runs in) Rudy: Run for our lives! (cuts to the dojo) Rudy: Only take what's necessary, people! We have to travel lightly. (turns, has a big chest tied to his back) Jack: Rudy, what's the plan, where are we going? Milton: That's where I come in. Tonight we will travel south to Guatemala. There we will live as a talented but reasonably-priced Mariachi band. Jerry: Mariachi band? Milton: Si. And I am the leader..Senorita Rosa! Kim: Why would you play a woman? Milton: My plan, my diguises, Kim. Or should I call you by your new name? Jorge! (knocking on door is heard, Rudy shrieks) Rudy: It's the Blade! Children, form a human shield around me!..For your own safety! Jack: Rudy, Benny the Blade wouldn't knock. Rudy: Oh. Good point. Coming! (turns to the door, whacks Jack with the chest on his back) ''Oh, it's Detective Bronson. (''opens the door and lets him in) ''Any news on Benny? Detective Bronson: We're still looking for him. But we've got a plan. The five of you are going into witness protection. Rudy: Good call. "Witness Protection". Why don't you explain it to the kids, because I definitely know what that-that is. Detective Bronson: We take you to a secret location and give you new identities. You can return after Blade is captured. Jerry: Ohh, this is gonna be great. The cops are gonna pay for us to hang out and play volleyball with girls at an exotic resort?! Jack: Nah nah, I say we go to a cabin in the mountains and get our snowboard on. Milton: I don't do cold. I once got hypothermia from a smoothie. Kim: I bet it's a cruise! I'm gonna need my own state room. Milton: If she's getting one, I'm getting one. Rudy: Alright, it's settled! State rooms all around. I am gonna need a balcony with a hot tub. (''hands Detective Bronson money) Detective Bronson: You're not going on a- Rudy: No, no, no, don't tell us. We wanna be surprised. (cuts to a farm) Rudy: When it comes to surprises, you sir, are horrible. (cuts to break) Rudy: Hiding on a farm in the middle of Homesdale is not what we had in mind. Detective Bronson: Benny the Blade is a dangerous man, and this is the last place he would look. Jack: Yeah, I don't blame him. That cow just peed on the floor. Detective Bronson: Remember, you're experienced farmhands, and you have to blend in to stay hidden. You have to be completely off the grid. That's why I confiscated your cell phones. (leaves) (cow moos, ringtone plays) Kim: Jerry, did you hide your phone in the cow? Jerry: Yes I did. Milton: Why did you do that? Jerry: Oh, 'cause the sheep got really bad reception. Farmer Pratchett: (comes in) Well, there you are! My new farmhands. My name's Farmer Pratchett, but why don't you just call me Jebidiah? Rudy: Oh. Hello, Jebidiah. I'm..Rudimiah. And that's Jackimiah, Jerimiah, Miltimiah, and that's- Kim: Kim. Just Kim. Jebidiah: So, where did y'all work last? Milton: Over yonder ways. Jack: For Old Macdonald.. Kim: He..had a farm.. Jerry: E-I-E-I-O..(Jack elbows him) Jebidiah: I have a list of chores here. Rudy: Oh, alright, let's see what we got. (scans the list) ''Nope, not for me, nice try, ew, I would never do that. Oh, here we go. "Milk the cow." That's got "Rudimiah" written all over it. ''(walks over to the cows) Jebidiah: Well, I'm glad you're here. It's just me and my daughter Lily now. We had a tough harvest last year. Had to sell my beloved plow horse Charlie. He had a beautiful mane. (looks at Jack) ''Hmm. You know what? You kinda remind me of my Charlie. (''pets Jack's hair) ''How 'bout a sugar cube, boy? Jack: No, I'm good-''(gets a sugar cube shoved in his mouth) Jebidiah: That's a good boy. (cow huffs angrily, Rudy flies through the air and lands on his back and gets up) Rudy: That cow does not like being milked. Jebidiah: That's a bull. Rudy: This is gonna be harder than I thought. (cuts to the garden) Jebidiah: Now this is the most important job on the farm. Protecting my vegetables from the birds. Milton: Holy Christmas nuts! Look at the size of that gourd! Jebidiah: That's not just a gourd. That squash is gonna win this year's state fair. I call her Sas-squash. Milton: Oh, I get it. 'Cause she's so big. She's like Sasquatch. Jebidiah: Who? Milton: Well, I can see why you chose me. I'm smart, courageous, and trustworthy. Jebidiah: That and-uh, well, you've got a face made for scaring. (walks to the barn) ''Good luck. Milton: I don't need it. This is gonna be a breeze. (''turns to the crops) (bird caws) Milton: Oh-ho. I see you up there, crow. Licking your beak. Well, it's not gonna happen on my watch! Keep moving! That's right, fly away. Aaaah..oh, no. Oh, oh, you're coming back. (crow caws loudly) And you're bringing all your friends..and a bald eagle! Oh. No no. No no no. Oh oh! Oh! Ow! (crows attack him, Milton falls onto the crops, crow caws) Oh, oh. Sas-squash. You never had a chance. (picks up the broken pieces of squash) ''You animals! If you ever come back again, you're gonna feel the wrath--(''eagle cries) ''Better get out of here. (''cuts back to the barn) Jebidiah: Your job is simple. Just use this rope to stack those bales up there. Jerry: Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Slow down, okay? Ropes, bales, up- Lot of moving parts here, Pratchett. Jebidiah: I don't care how you do it. Just get that hay..(gives the rope to Jerry)..''up there. (''leaves) (Jerry pulls the rope) Lily: (comes in) ''I've been watching you. You're different. Jerry: I get that a lot. Lily: You're not from around here, aren't you? You can tell me. Jerry: Actually, I'm from the city. Lily: (''gasps) ''Did you ever ride on those magical moving stairs? Jerry: You mean an escalator? Lily: (''gasps) ''Oh, how you talk! I was in the city once selling eggs with Paul, and I saw someone eating one of those...red sauce devil pies. Jerry: You mean a pizza? Lily: ''(gasps) ''Pizza! I've never said a word with a "Z" in it! Jerry: You know, I can, uh..order one of those on my..cell phone. Lily: No you cannot. Jerry: No--whoa! ''(the hay bale pulls him up, he lands on the stack) ''Oh, hi, yeah, I'd like to order a delivery, please. ''(cuts to Benny the Blade and his boys) Benny: 419 Prairie Way, Homesdale. Hacking into their phones was brilliant. I think it's time the Blade makes a little pizza delivery. (cuts to the barn's hen house) Jack: Thank you. (sets 2 eggs in the basket which Kim is holding) ''Been a pleasure. Ooh, still warm and damp. Gross, but thank you. (''sets the egg in the basket) '' Kim: (''sets the basket down) ''Okay, last house on the block. (''reaches her hand in for the egg) ''Ow! A chicken just pecked me! Jack: Yeah, because you don't know what you're doing, Kim. You can't just shove your hand in there and get all grabby. You have to just--ow! (''chicken clucks loudly) ''Let her keep her stupid egg. Come on, let's get out of here. Kim: We can't. Okay, Pratchett said if we leave a single egg, they'll get lazy and stop laying. I got it. Okay, you act like a rooster, draw her out, and I'll grab the egg. Jack: Kim, I'm not acting like a-- Kim: A handsome rooster. Jack: That I can do. (''mimicks rooster movements and sounds) (Kim makes a face at Jack) Kim: Aw, look, Jack, she's out. (reaches her hand in) ''I can't find the egg. Jack: Put your head in and look for it. Kim: ''(puts her head in) ''Yeah, I think I see it. Ow! (''chicken shrieks, pulls her head out, her hair messed up and has feathers in it, her face covered in scratches) Jack: I think there may be another chicken in there. Kim: Ya think? Jack: (looking around) ''Wait. Where'd she go? (''they look around, he spots her) ''Ohh! (''chicken clucks, both scream and leave) '' Jack: Ha! You thought you were gonna get us. But you didn't. You know why? 'Cause you and your little chicken brain were no match for me and my-''(chicken feet grab onto his chest, Jack looks down) What?! Whoa! Help me! (Kim yanks Jack back, knocking a barrel rolling, the barrel rolls into the barn and knocks Rudy in the back, making him lean back and a hay bale falls on him) Jack: What happened to you? Rudy: I got baled and barreled. What happened to you? Kim: We got pecked and feathered. What happened to you? Milton: I got crowed and eagled. (Lily and Jerry come in) Lily: What it do, farm friends? Whoo! Jerry: That's my girl. Rudy: You're finally here. Everybody get back to work. We've got jobs to do. (all argue over their jobs) Jebidiah: What's going on here?! Who are you people? Because you sure aren't farmers. Rudy: You're right. You deserve the truth. We're a-- Milton: We are a Mariachi band. And I am Senorita Rosa. Kim: Milton. Milton: Shut it, Jorge. Jebidiah: After I had to sell my horse Charlie, I didn't think things could get any worse. But you all have destroyed my barn. (sits on a bale of hay) (Benny and his boys come with a pizza box) Benny: That's alright, pal. (gang sees Benny & back up) ''Now I'm gonna destroy them. Rudy: Benny? How did you find us? Benny: It was easy. I just waited for someone to use their cell phone. Pizza delivery for Jerry Martinez. Jerry: Oh. That's me. Yeah, well, you took more than 30 minutes to deliver it which means I don't have to pay. (''takes the box) ''Thank you. (''the gang and Benny break out into a fight) (Chappy Chapman comes) Kim: Chappy Chapman? What are you doing here? Chappy: It's called sweet revenge, missy. (Rudy hits Benny with the pizza box, causing him to run backwards into Chappy, Chappy turns him around) ''You! (Chappy rips his jacket off revealing his muscular body and an undershirt) Nobody hits Chappy Chapman and his hair! ''(Punches Benny in the stomach, making him fall) This is Chappy Chapman live from the Pratchett Farm. Back to you, Brittany. (cuts to the cops taking Benny away) Detective Bronson: Benny and his boys are going away for a long time, thanks to you and your friends, Rudy. (leaves) Jebidiah: I'm mighty impressed that you were brave enough to stand up to a fellow like Benny. You might not be good farmers, but you're good people. And you're welcome on my farm anytime. (chickens cluck, eagle cries, cow moos) Rudy: I'm out. Jack: Nope. Kim: Let's go. Milton: No way. (they all leave except Jerry) Jerry: Uh, Mr. Pratchett, sir? I have something to say. In the short time that I've been here, I've developed feelings for Lily and..I would like to ask for your permission to be her- Jebidiah: (stands his pitchfork up) ''Yeah? Jerry: ..Be her pen pal. See ya, Lily. Write me. ''(walks off) ''Guys, wait up! (''cuts to the barn) Jebidiah: Oh, you're back. (chuckles) ''Oh, please don't tell me you're here to help. Kim: Actually, we got a present for you. ''(Rudy brings in Charlie) Jebidiah: Oh! Charlie! My Charlie! (goes by Charlie) '' Milton: We couldn't think of a better way to spend our reward money. Jebidiah: How 'bout a sugar cube, Charlie? Huh? ''(feeds Charlie a sugar cube) ''Aww, that's my good boy. Jack: I remember when I was his good boy. Jerry: Hey. This bale of hay should be at the top of the stack. I'm on it. (''exhales, picks the bale up and goes to stack it) ''We're good. Jebidiah: Look what I found in the pumpkin patch under some leaves. (''uncovers a big pumpkin) All: Whoa! Jebidiah: She's guaranteed to win first prize at this year's state fair. Kim: Jerry, you're stacking the hay too high. Jerry: Kim, I know how to stack--uh oh. (the hay falls, making the pumpkin fly into the air, and splatters onto Jebidiah) Rudy: You know, to beat traffic, we should probably get going. (they leave, except Jerry) Jerry: (jumps off the hay stack) ''Good luck at the fair, man. Pumpkin sure looks like a winner. (''follows them out of the barn) (Jebidiah gives Jerry a thumbs-up, then faints) (episode ends) Category:Transcripts